2506
General Discussion / Re: Drought
« on: April 20, 2012, 07:56:52 AM »................. then sit back and watch the mercury rise...
Is that your pet name for it, or a euphemism?!
Show Posts
This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.
Is that your pet name for it, or a euphemism?!
2508
Chesterfield Discussion / Re: Shape of the Rain Reforming
« on: April 19, 2012, 07:41:18 PM »I remember seeing them at the Barrow Hill hotel.........................
You only went there to ogle the topless barmaids!!
2509
General Discussion / Re: Drought
« on: April 19, 2012, 07:40:12 PM »
I think the way to go on this one is that the next time they want some rain, just get Peak FM to mention on their news programme that we are officially in drought........it hasn't stopped raining since they last mentioned it!!!!!! 
2510
Entertainment / Re: Emmerdale
« on: April 19, 2012, 07:37:16 PM »Ohhh I believe Laurel is onto Ashley now
Go girl!!
2511
Entertainment / Re: The Seventies
« on: April 19, 2012, 03:12:35 PM »I remember the power cuts and 3 day week
Me too - was a motor mechanic at the time and had to work on cars using workshop vehicles' headlights and no lifts, so had to work underneath using the pits!
2513
Fun Stuff / Re: Interesting (?) Facts
« on: April 18, 2012, 07:44:36 PM »>> what do they know
A lot about world domination and war apparently.
I know it sounds naive and childish, but if people stopped declaring war right left and centre, there would be enough money to eradicate poverty and curable illness worldwide...
I know, I'm just a dreamer.
This is a bit heavy for a 'fun stuff' topic Pete!
BTW - be careful, the roadworks are moving closer to you!!!!
2514
Fun Stuff / Re: Interesting (?) Facts
« on: April 18, 2012, 07:43:14 PM »Not being picky but....
I think the one about the horse statues is an urban myth,
Food not going off...salt
numbers with a in.....one hundred and one
It looks like this originated in America....what do they know.
'kin ell - it's just a bit of fun!
Yes, it did originate in America but, despite that, I thought it worth posting!
2515
Chesterfield Discussion / Re: Maplins
« on: April 18, 2012, 07:39:25 PM »annnnnnnnnnnnnnd i have an interview next week with them taking place at Job centre in town.. wish me luck folks
Good luck emmz
2516
Chesterfield Discussion / Re: New Welcome to Chesterfield Signs
« on: April 18, 2012, 07:37:47 PM »
2517
Fun Stuff / Glesga Burd
« on: April 18, 2012, 12:26:41 PM »
N.B. Glesga Burd = Glasgow Girl
A Glesga Burd goes tae the social tae register fur child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the civil servant
"10" replies the girl.
"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"
"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in the
street, ah gist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO
BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
civil servant.
"aw 'at's easy," says the girl... "A jist yaze thur surnames"
____________
A Glesga burd walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on
the counter. "Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress." she
says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"Naw" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
____________
Glesga burd enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "Gies that rid yin"
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
____________
A Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Morag."
Medic: "OK Morag, is this your car?"
Morag: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Morag: "Glesga"
____________
A Glesga burd was driving down the M8 when her car phone rang. It was
her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Listen Doll, I just heard on the
news that thur's a motor gawn the wrang wie oan the M8. Better watch
yersel'!"
"It's no' jist wan motor!" said the girl, "There's fu***n' hunners o'
them!"
____________
Another Glesga burd was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Danielle: "Ok."
Medic: "Ok the how many fingers have I put up?"
Danielle: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
_________________
A Glesga Burd goes tae the social tae register fur child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the civil servant
"10" replies the girl.
"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"
"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in the
street, ah gist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO
BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
civil servant.
"aw 'at's easy," says the girl... "A jist yaze thur surnames"
____________
A Glesga burd walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on
the counter. "Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress." she
says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"Naw" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
____________
Glesga burd enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "Gies that rid yin"
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
____________
A Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Morag."
Medic: "OK Morag, is this your car?"
Morag: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Morag: "Glesga"
____________
A Glesga burd was driving down the M8 when her car phone rang. It was
her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Listen Doll, I just heard on the
news that thur's a motor gawn the wrang wie oan the M8. Better watch
yersel'!"
"It's no' jist wan motor!" said the girl, "There's fu***n' hunners o'
them!"
____________
Another Glesga burd was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Danielle: "Ok."
Medic: "Ok the how many fingers have I put up?"
Danielle: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
_________________
2518
I don't really think I believe this story but... you never know with
Scousers
Two scousers are riding along the East Lancs Road on a motorbike. They break
down and start hitching a lift. A lorry driver stops to see if he can help
and they ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he
is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"Hey, c'mon our kid," they say, "gissa lift..."
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls.
The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the
back, will he take them?
The driver agrees.
They finally manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back
of the wagon, so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this
time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough PC Plod pulls him up for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies
"Scouse Eggs"
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He
opens the back door and quickly slams it shut and locks it. He gets onto his
radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - two have already hatched
and the b*st*rds have managed to nick a motorbike already"
Scousers
Two scousers are riding along the East Lancs Road on a motorbike. They break
down and start hitching a lift. A lorry driver stops to see if he can help
and they ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he
is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"Hey, c'mon our kid," they say, "gissa lift..."
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls.
The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the
back, will he take them?
The driver agrees.
They finally manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back
of the wagon, so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this
time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough PC Plod pulls him up for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies
"Scouse Eggs"
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He
opens the back door and quickly slams it shut and locks it. He gets onto his
radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - two have already hatched
and the b*st*rds have managed to nick a motorbike already"
2519
Fun Stuff / Two old men
« on: April 18, 2012, 12:23:25 PM »
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide
to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end
up at the local brothel.
The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to
her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated
doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not
wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the
difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men
go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think
my girl was dead!
"Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving
her."
His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."
"A witch, why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I
gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."
to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end
up at the local brothel.
The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to
her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated
doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not
wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the
difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men
go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think
my girl was dead!
"Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving
her."
His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."
"A witch, why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I
gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."
2520
Fun Stuff / Daddy Longlegs
« on: April 18, 2012, 12:22:24 PM »
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden he smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden" she said.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden" she said.
SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk