The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. ' Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'


This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.


The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'


An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.


You hold the fork in the wrong hand.


You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.


And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'.

Centuries ago, God came down, went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments that will help you live better lives."
 The Germans ask, "What are Commandments?"
 And the Lord says, "Rules for living."
 "Can you give us an example?"
 God says, "Thou shalt not kill."
 "Not kill? We're not interested."
 So God went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments..."
 The Italians wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
 "Not steal? We're not interested."
 Next the Lord went to the French saying, "I have Commandments..."
 The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
 And the French were not interested.
 God then went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments..."
 "Commandments," said the Jews, "How much are they?"
 "They're free."
 "We'll take 10."

I think my wife is selling drugs! Yesterday I was running a little bit late for work and the phone rang. I answered it. Before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, Hey honey is that DOPE gone yet?

A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:
 "We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays.

Teacher: Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have
brought happiness and peace into people's lives?

Little Johnny answered:

Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king

A rubbish collector in Australia is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.

             

            There's no answer.

            Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.


            Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Japanese man.

            "Gidday, mate!

            Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

            "I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

            Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

            "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"

            "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

            "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, Where's your WHEELIE bin?'"

            "OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years ago, you would have nothing today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have nothing today

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminum cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received  £214.00.


Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British!

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP?s during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a ￡100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."