The Grim Reaper came for me last
> > night, and I beat him off with a
> > vacuum cleaner.
> > Talk about Dyson with death.
> >
> > I went to
> > the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
> > was standing there I
> > noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours
> > later and they're
> > still walking about with it.
> > I thought
> > to myself, they've lost the plot!!
> >
> >
> >
> > My
> > daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I
> > went to our local pet
> > shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get
> > one cheaper off the
> > web.
> >
> > I was at
> > an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
> > check her balance, so I
> > pushed her over.
> >
> >
> > I
> > start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good
> > Korea
> > move.
> >
> > I was
> > driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC/AA van. The
> > driver was sobbing
> > uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
> > myself, that guy's
> > heading for a breakdown.
> >
> >
> > Statistically,
> > 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
> >
> > My
> > neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
> > believe that,
> > 2:30am?!
> > Luckily
> > for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
> >
> >
> > Paddy
> > says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador
> > .."Blow that" says Mick "have you
> > seen how many of their owners go blind?"
> >
> > My
> > girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's
> > not exactly my girlfriend
> > yet.
> >
> >
> > I
> > was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you
> > get reincarnated but
> > must come back as a different creature. She said she would
> > like to come back as
> > a cow.
> > I said "You're obviously not listening."
> >
> > The wife
> > has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
> > worst. So I have
> > been to the charity shop to get all her clothes
> > back.
> >
> >
> > Two
> > Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in
> > London ..
> > Police
> > think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
> >
> > Sat
> > opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her
> > eyes and stopped
> > breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot
> > on her forehead and
> > realised she was just on standby.
> >
> >
> > The
> > wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen
> > table when she
> > suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
> > no reason. I thought
> > to myself, "She's going through the
> > change."
> >
> > When I
> > was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
> > wouldn't feel safe
> > on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a
> > woman.
> > What a
> > pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have
> > to reverse the
> > thing!
> >
> > Local
> > Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has
> > stabbed six people in the
> > rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
> > following some kind of
> > pattern.
> >
> > Bought
> > some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before
> > I could eat
> > it!
> >
> >
> > A
> > teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea
> > break and when he
> > returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is
> > angry and reports the
> > theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says
> > "Oh, I forgot to
> > tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their
> > pick
> > nicked."
> >
> > Murphy
> > says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope
> > for?"
> > "I'm
> > sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !"
> >
> >
> > Just
> > got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit
> > on the head with a
> > tennis ball.
> > It was a lovely service.
> >
> > 19
> > paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so
> > many of you?"
> > Mick
> > replies, "The film said 18 or
> > over."
> >
> >
> >
Topic: Big Groans (Read 814 times)
