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1
Chesterfield Discussion / Settee Arm Protector Caps
« on: February 05, 2020, 08:33:10 PM »
Anybody still sell these in Chesterfield cannot find anybody , searched Dunelm online .

2
General Discussion / Leaving Forum
« on: January 07, 2020, 10:25:08 PM »
NOTICE OF MY INTENTION TO LEAVE THE GROUP.
It may or may not be disappointing to some people to know that I have decided to leave this page, I am sick and tired of the constant criticisms and purile remarks about things that have nothing to do with anyone else but me. I am disappointed in several of the members....
Okay... So I like dressing-up in rubber clothes. So what? And, my culinary tastes might seem strange to some people... but I have particular penchant for cucumbers. Which brings me to the matter of my sexual preferences, which I know might seem strange to some people, but the magistrate was particularly understanding when I explained that running naked through our local field wearing crotchless fluffy underwear on my head and brandishing an egg whisk in each hand is an ancient pagan custom and...
Oh shit! Wrong group!
Please ignore all of the above.

3
General Discussion / ffree postcde lottery
« on: November 23, 2019, 02:29:13 PM »
S40 3LE in todays draw only £10

4
Chesterfield Discussion / Free postcode lottery
« on: October 06, 2019, 12:31:29 PM »
Winner today on free postcode lottery , only £10 but its free Greengate Close, Chesterfield, S40 3SJ.

5
Fun Stuff / Old Lady in Court
« on: June 06, 2017, 11:59:31 AM »
Defense  Attorney















Will you please state your age?
  Old Lady:
 I am 94 years old.
 
Defense Attorney:
 Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
 
Old Lady:
 There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
 
Defense Attorney:
 Did you know him?
 
Old Lady:
 No, but he sure was friendly.
 
Defense Attorney: 
 What happened after he sat down?
 
Old Lady:
 He started to rub my thigh.
 
Defense Attorney: 
 Did you stop him?
 
Old Lady:
 No, I didn't stop him.
 
Defense Attorney:
 Why not?
 
Little Old Lady:
 It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
 
Defense Attorney: 
 What happened next?
 
Old Lady:
 He began to rub all over my body.
 
Defense Attorney:
 Did you stop him then?
 
Old Lady:
 No, I did not stop him.
 
Defense Attorney:
 Why not?
 
Old Lady:
 His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
 
Defense Attorney: 
 What happened next?
 
Old Lady:
 Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him
 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
 
Defense Attorney:
 Did he take you?
 
Old Lady:
 Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

 


6
Chesterfield Discussion / Free post code lottery
« on: April 26, 2016, 05:18:46 PM »
Checked the free  postcode  lottery todays its S40 1HN Chesterfield code I think , £500 jackpot may be somebody on the forum 26/04/16       should be able to join here   http://freepostcodelottery.com/ if not all ready in it as well.

7
Fun Stuff / The inventor of Predictive Text has died.
« on: November 26, 2015, 08:12:21 PM »
His funfair will be hello on sundial.

8
Fun Stuff / The Vicars Teeth
« on: September 15, 2015, 02:46:11 PM »
A Vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first
Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following
Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to help him to get him down from the pulpit and
They asked him what happened.

The Vicar explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
Talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
To talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
Wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up

9
General Discussion / Re: One for Barry (and other taxi drivers)
« on: September 15, 2015, 02:37:14 PM »
I would

10
Chesterfield Discussion / Fence Panels
« on: June 19, 2015, 07:55:52 PM »
Looking for new fence panels tomorrow going to J S discounts Unit 15 Armytage Industrial Estate  Station Road  Whittington moor anybody know how good the place is ?



11
Fun Stuff / Old Butch
« on: May 22, 2015, 06:34:51 PM »
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young' pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most  coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

12
Fun Stuff / Car Sales
« on: December 13, 2013, 06:17:33 PM »
Nelson Mandela struggles to answer his door bell and when he opens the door he finds a small Japanese truck driver standing there with a truck full of exhausts behind him in the driveway.


 "Sign here!" the driver says as he thrusts a clip board in front of Nelson, "You sign here!"


 Nelson tells him that he has never ordered the goods and would the truckie kindly Foxtrot Oscar.


 Next day, the same thing. "Sign here! Sign here", says the truckie with a load of car doors in the truck.


 Nelson tells him to begone as the doors were nothing to do with him.


 The following day the same thing but with a truck load of car headlights. "Sign here, sign here" yells the truckie.


 "I keep telling you. Those goods are not for me. Why do you keep bringing the stuff round here?" says Nelson.


 "You not Nissan Main Dealer then?" says the truckie.

13
Fun Stuff / pet rabbit
« on: October 05, 2013, 08:05:28 PM »
A  little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

 As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

 She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
 "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."





















14
Fun Stuff / Naming the baby
« on: September 04, 2013, 10:07:12 PM »
Su Wong marries Lee Wong


 Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
 the Wongs have a new baby.
 The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
 but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

 The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
 so I think we will name him...

 Are you ready for this?









 Sum Ting Wong

15
Fun Stuff / Hotel Manager
« on: August 27, 2013, 08:01:24 PM »
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!" The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

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