Are you really that technophobe q?
For most laptops:
Turn your laptop upside down, there's usually 1 or 2 little sliders, usually with 'padlock icons' on them/it.
Move the slider, and slide the battery out. It usually forms part of the lappy case. Not buried inside it.
Other Laptops:
The battery might be under a small plastic door or cover on the side or underneath. Remove the cover/door.
Pop out the battery.
Google your laptop model, I'm sure you'll find specific details.