Irish Jokes!

[Alsatian]

 A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.

"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."

"You've Thinnned?"

"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."

"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."

"Will that wash away me Thin?"

"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."



Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him and charge him with having 
an armalite. 



Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released 
me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, 
then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and 
produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for 
weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie 
appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, 
never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two 
of them" 



"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your 
trousers?" 
"Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty 
comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!" 



An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a 
train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, 
in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever 
tasted it? 
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." 
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, 
too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...." 
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed 
once or twice." 
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he 
was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" 



A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and 
address?" 
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." 
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. 
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."



Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, 
Pat?" 
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." 
His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" 
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, 
and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one 
another...it was neither of us." 



How do you sink an Irish submarine? 
Knock on the hatch. 



Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a 
joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.


Thanks for reading these..............I'll get my coat on now!!!